Sometimes it hard to know...

A few days after that nitwit Senator Akin made his infamous speech on rape, I felt the need to voice my opinion about it on beloved Facebook. Now this posting is not going to rehash what I said, other than to say that in the middle of my post, I hinted at being raped a very long time ago. I only really admitted it to emphasize that I did in fact know how it feels and wasn't responding to the Senator's speech just on impulse. I purposely did not give any details other than to say that "it happened to me." It happened just before high school graduation and it was date rape, which is why I never breathed a word to anyone. I have managed to work through whatever it is you work through in instances like this, and however successfully I've rebuilt my life "post-event" may still be up for debate 30 years later. I posted on FB because I was taken by surprise the feelings the speech brought back to my forebrain. Not in feeling scared or angry but I guess a sense of indignance and scorn for the insensitivity of his words. I expressed my opinion, logged off and was done with it again. A few days later (I am not FB's bestest member) I logged back in and my wall was literally plastered with RADICAL ANGRY postings from people (mostly women) I had never heard of.

There's one thing I need to confess right here and now. I tend not to be very vocal about my feelings and beliefs among people I don't know well, but that doesn't mean I don't have strong feelings at all. I have come to know who I can share my opinions with and who I would do better to drive off a cliff than to try and engage in conversation or debate on a particular subject. Again, it doesn't mean I don't shout at the top of my inner lungs about certain things I feel strongly about, but how and when and to whom I divulge these to depends entirely on who they are and our shared history together.

Having said that, FB is not a place I tend to share much in the way of my political and theological/spiritual or philosophical stances, whether friend, or family or FB "friend". I use FB to connect w/family that is far away and real friends from my real life that I don't see as much anymore.

Ok, to these postings from peeps unknown...My God!!!! I have never read such fierce rantings since reading Meine Kampf all those years ago! It was all from people who are vigilant and militant against rape and rapists and justice and injustice in the legal system around the world. I had NO idea how I got attached on FB to this group, but there were so many postings by this group that all of the postings from  those I care about were literally pushed down off the page! I was nervous that I would never be able to recover the sometimes silly, sometimes inane, mostly entertaining posts from the people I WANTED to hear from. At the bottom of the screen of feminazi men-hating people, was an indication that there is an organized group on FB called WAR (women against rape) and that I was one of its "newest" members!! I was pissed!!! And then I saw the profile pic of one of my friends from high school who I had reconnected with just the past June at our HS reunion. I think he may've "invited" me to join this group (and on FB, I don't think you have to respond to the invitation in order to "join" the group.) I think it was done with the best of intentions, but it's just not "how I roll" about things. I found the button to "unjoin" this group and I clicked it and voila!! My silly and charming and entertaining group of family and friends were instantly back!!

I guess I was mad at this group of people because they made an assumption about where I am in the recovery process. I long ago forgave the creep, I pray that he did not follow his "calling" into the Baptist Seminary, and that there's nobody else that this happened to in his wake. I am grateful I have been able to establish and maintain relatively healthy relationships with a very select few men in my life since then, but most importantly, I have long ago forgiven myself for the naivety of being 18 years old. I made some reckless decisions that night, and I take responsibility for that. In the end, what I long to tell this group of people who are so vehemently engaged in this WAR, is that I have made my peace with what happened that night, and have no desire to constantly revisit and relive the event just for a reason to shake my fist defiantly in the air. I am fully aware that there is nothing to be done to the creep legally, and getting emotionally twisted in knots about that doesn't change it.

My heart does break for those women and men who suffer the horrificness of rape and especially for those who for whatever reason cannot or will never get the justice they so rightly deserve. I applaud those who tirelessly work towards improving the justice system around the world and who are amazing advocates for human rights and victim recovery everywhere. There are angels among us who selflessly work for very good outcomes and many who do so without blinking twice or skipping a beat. And if my friend from HS was a victim himself, I know God knows his pain and I pray that he feel God's presence with him on his journey towards healing as He was with me on my own.

Some ramblings on maww-age

I'll tell ya one thing I do know...no one should ever expect to gain any financial or moral ground writing a book on how to be married. I cannot think of any other "thing" people do that is more personalized and specific and uniquely situational than being married.

I remember being at a wedding shortly after graduating from high school. The groom and his parents were Catholic, and they got married at Carswell AFB chapel in Fort Worth. The groom's family and my family grew up across the street from each other and my Dad worked with the groom's dad forever at GD. I know nothing about the bride or her family (other than the fact that this couple is no longer married). But I always wondered how it is that a Roman Catholic priest can give advice to a marrying couple having never tread down that path himself. During his homily, he actually told the bride and groom to tell Aggie jokes to each other every night before the lights went out. I was sitting in the same pew as my parents, and I swear this has never happened since, but my mom just about busted a gut she was laughing sooooo hard because again the same question about advice giving if you've never been down that road. (And the Roman Catholic church could not at the time make inferences to spiritual GPS as a substitute for really being there! LOL!! Maybe now they can?

I remember watching my husband die on the exam table in 2000 (medically supervised thallium stress test after his 1st heart attack) and thinking to myself, so this is what it is to just be here, not trying to be cleaver or witty or deep or anything other than being aware that I wasn't consciously praying, but that maybe just being the only loved one in the room was enough for God to use. Don't get me wrong, there was PLENTY of praying going on, but just not in that minute it took his heart to go down to zero beats and then flatline...there would be time enough for clever and witty and deep later when I started breathing again...

I have learned, ever so slowly at times, that there are some of my husband's agenda in his life that I cannot fight against successfully. If I try to intervene in hopes of sending him down a particular path (figurative and literal), but he has his entire being set upon another divergent one, then chances are we'll pass my car in the drive thru Mexican restaurant parking lot on the way home from the grocery store in favor of a little road rage payback opportunity. Nice! Could I have pointed out that we just passed my car 2 lanes over & not in time to turn in to get it? Yeppers!! But interrupting his chance to stick it to the man in the other car was not to be trifled with. So with angry looks and wheels screeching U-turns and later tantrums at the house I started my evening keeping my distance (figurative and literal) until Vesuvius slowly wound down and allowed my husband to crawl back from the dark underbelly of his soul (reminds me of the scene in Star Wars III when Anikan Skywalker crawls onto the rocky beach of Mustafar in a vain attempt to regain the upper hand against Obie-Wan only to lose his legs in the process. I think I'll name my next dog Mustafar...Til next time...!

One thing I've noticed

Can I just say one thing today? And that is I've just spent a few of the best days in my life with my family in Virginny celebrating the usual suspects' milestone anniversaries...My brother and wife and kids came from Tokyo as well as my sistah and motha laws frm Houston and my parents and my aunt & uncle & cuz's in DC and my brother & sistah & 2 boys in Fred-townVirginny...the thing is this...my family does not "put the fun back in dysfunction" but instead, I think, we are a God-centered, chaos tolerant, spontaneousness required bunch of folk who we may not see much in large numbers, but that doesn't mean we don't pick up right where we leave off. And no matter what or wherever, there is alway LOVE and support for all of us over all the generations. It is a blessing beyond all imaging All for tonight...til next time!